I did persist. I really did!!! Over the last week, I have had a number of moments where I was looking back at my past in some way, shape or form. I reconnected with a friend from 35 years ago. While organizing, I went through old photos, journals, letters, cards and mementos. It's an incredible reminder of how far you have come when you look back. It's incredible to me, that one person, me, has gone through some really challenging things, even over the course of the last 35 years; that is not accounting for anything before age 20. My childhood and adolescent years had a fair amount of difficulties as well, but whose didn't right? Have you ever spent time looking at the roads you have traveled from? I spent hours with my friend catching her up, we each shared what's transpired in all the years we were apart. During this conversation, we both had moments where we were just in awe of what the other was or is experiencing. This friend said to me towards the end of our chat, "you are really strong". I was somewhat taken aback and even more so as I drove home and later as I shared how I was feeling about recounting my past with my friend to my husband. I believe that I am strong, it was the way it was said so direct and sincere. It was the culmination of feeling this overwhelming knowing that, yes indeed I had experienced a lot of changes, challenges and overcame every single one. Have you ever had the experiencing a deeper knowing about yourself and your life? Like you knew, but now you really KNOW.......In a whole new and clearer way, you feel it deeper in your soul.
During the talk with my friend, I stated "it feels like I am talking about someone else". And later I realized I had not only reconnected with my friend but, also with other versions of me who had gone through all those things. At the moment it was me just sharing data of a life, I wasn't in any way feeling re-traumatized or emotional about the accounts of the years we were discussing, just sharing a history of details. There is something so genuine and honest about connecting with someone from your past and feeling like you can share openly because in some ways they already know. My friend stated at one point "I remember you telling me you weren't happy and were having some difficulties even then" and I paused stating "I did?"; like I had not recalled how long that situation was challenging. It was further confirmation of how long I knew what I tried so desperately to ignore and not know; again illustrating the fact to trust ourselves.
If we have been connected for a bit, you know I remind us often that "we have gotten through 100% of our bad days", you further know that I am very transparent and while I protect the best I can, those I love, I try to live and participate in this human existence by sharing, creating connection, guiding and supporting so that no one feels alone in the hard stuff, while also being your cheerleader and pointing out all your wins!
This past week has felt like I took inventory of my life. I organized pictures and writings and found I have had a rich and love filled life along with the vast poor choices, hurts and disappointments. Both are true, I have made very hard choices, I have hurt people I loved in those choices and I have loved and overcome and persisted right through some of the most challenging of circumstances. I rediscovered that I keep getting up, I keep owning my stuff and navigating, even when I change course. We make the best choices we can with what we know and our ability at the time, and when that informational and capacity is different, we make different choices.
I took a look back at the path in which I have traveled long enough to appreciate how I got here, where I am and who I have loved along the way and today.
In the words of the character Ted Lasso, "Living in the now is a beautiful thing, that's why it's called the present."
If you find yourself looking back, I hope you do so with self compassion; we really are doing the best we can in any given moment; we see it differently from this vantage point because we are different. Be kind to your younger self........ she was trying her best!
xoxo
Kel
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